Principle 43 · from the Enchiridion
Choose the better handle
A wider view can make a conflict easier to address. Acknowledge the wrong while considering what response would help you act fairly.
Source passage (English)
The passage is shown in English. The explanation and example below are modern interpretations for this site.
Everything has two handles, the one by which it may be carried, the other by which it cannot. If your brother acts unjustly, don't lay hold on the action by the handle of his injustice, for by that it cannot be carried; but by the opposite, that he is your brother, that he was brought up with you; and thus you will lay hold on it, as it is to be carried.
What this means
Epictetus says a difficult situation has more than one "handle." One way of holding it makes it heavier. Another may make it possible to deal with.
If we hold only the interpretation that makes us angriest, it becomes harder to act well.
That does not mean denying wrongdoing. We can acknowledge the unfairness while also remembering the relationship, its history, and any responsibilities that still exist. A wider view may make a better response possible.
The alternative view needs to be truthful. "We have a relationship worth discussing" can help in one conflict; "I need distance to prevent further harm" may fit another. Choose a perspective that supports a fair and workable response. Remembering a relationship does not require preserving closeness at any cost.
An everyday example
A sibling behaves unfairly during a family argument. If the only thing you hold is the unfairness, the fight is likely to grow.
If you also remember that this person is your sibling, you may still be firm without deliberately destroying every chance of repairing the relationship.
Reflection Question
In your current conflict, which handle are you gripping? Is there another view that would help you act better without denying the problem?