Respond with Kindness
Principle 42 from the Enchiridion
Epictetus teaches that when others act wrongly, it is often because they believe they are right.
Original Passage
When any person harms you, or speaks badly of you, remember that he acts or speaks from a supposition of its being his duty. Now, it is not possible that he should follow what appears right to you, but what appears so to himself. Therefore, if he judges from a wrong appearance, he is the person hurt, since he too is the person deceived. For if anyone should suppose a true proposition to be false, the proposition is not hurt, but he who is deceived about it. Setting out, then, from these principles, you will meekly bear a person who reviles you, for you will say upon every occasion, "It seemed so to him."
Modern Interpretation
Epictetus offers a powerful way to reinterpret conflict. People act according to what seems right to them in the moment, even when they are mistaken. Recognizing this reduces personal outrage and opens space for measured response.
This does not justify harm. It reminds us that ignorance harms the person who holds it first. If someone judges falsely, truth itself is not damaged; their own judgment is. Stoicism uses this insight to replace revenge with steadiness.
When insulted or wronged, the first Stoic move is: "It seemed so to him." That thought softens emotional escalation and helps you choose a wise action, whether that means correction, boundary, or disengagement.
Understanding the source of behavior does not weaken you. It keeps you from becoming what you oppose.
In Practice Today
A coworker unfairly criticizes your work in public. You feel anger rising. A Stoic pause says: "This is how it appears to them right now."
You respond calmly with facts and request a private follow-up. If necessary, you set clear boundaries through proper channels. You protect yourself without hatred.
You remain firm while refusing to be ruled by bitterness.
Reflection Question
Who in your life might you handle more wisely if you first remembered, "It seemed right to them," before reacting?